Do you ever start dating someone and think "I can put up with ____," and you fill in the blank. Maybe it's with the "the drinking," or "the stupid music," or even "the car obsession." Perhaps you fill in the blank with "the shopping," or "the huge obsession with the Kardashians," or even the "hiding the good snacks behind the diet drinks in the pantry."
It doesn't really matter what you put in the blank if you start off thinking that way. The fact remains that as long as you're still in the honeymoon, lovey-dovey stage, you can put up with anything!
Extra innings so we'll be late? No problem! Aren't you cute and so passionate!
Your socks landed two whole inches from the hamper? Sure thing! I loved the hook shot, so precious!
Hey, check it out! You almost made it to the sink with that mug! What a sweetie for trying!
And time passes.
When enough time passes, those things that you could put up with become bigger issues. Suddenly, they're not adorably cute anymore. They become little niggles in your gut and say "grrrrr."
When even more time passes? Those tiny things grow. Next thing you know? They are huge. You start thinking, "ok, If we're going to make this work, I have to change him/her."
But guess what? You can't!
And then, there are the folks who are picky from the start. They get into the relationship thinking that they can "change" those bits of their partners that they don't like.
Again. No. You can't!
Ack! So, how do I fix my partner?
Guess what? You don't! You can't. So stop trying.
Now stop whining and crying "why not"?
Think about it. If you truly fell for a person, you fell for the whole person: the good, the adorable, the bad, and the ugly. You didn't fall for their toes or their thumbs, you fell for the entire human, top to toe. That includes their minds and their habits.
Don't get me wrong, people can change. But you can't change them! They can only change when they see, feel, and recognize the need within themselves. You may be able to influence the need, but that is all. I'm sorry there's no instant fix, but that's life. And, life is not always fair.
But you can help. And remember, being helpful does not mean forcing the process! This is where good, honest communication comes in. You can't just cry about the problem. You can't just complain. You have to explain with a great deal of clarity why the offending behavior bothers you so much.
- To him, putting something beside the sink instead of in it might mean absolutely nothing. But, what if she grew up in a filthy household that traumatized her entire youth? The cup beside the sink may represent a lack of respect for her wishes, wants and needs. You didn't think of that, did you.
- To her, giggling with girlfriends about how "cutesy" he looks when he mows the lawn may be affectionate. To him, it may represent a lack of willingness to acknowledge how hard he works to keep your yard nice for you.
- She may not understand the trauma you go through everyday to watch the kids and keep the house and yard presentable while she works.
- He may not understand how hard she works to keep food on the table.
Unless you can walk in your partner's shoes, you really don't know what he/she thinks. You can only assume. And, we all know what happens, then, right? (ass/u/me)
Communication is key. You may not always get the change you want, but you can possibly begin to understand what that change might entail.
Here's a perception checking method to help clarify any issues or statements that may be confusing or unclear in a relationship. We can only perceive what we see and hear, but what if our perceptions are wrong? Find out, first!
- Describe the behavior observed or statement made. ("You said you didn't want me to cook because you couldn't deal with it.")
- Give two possible interpretations. ("Did you mean my cooking is bad? Or did you mean you don't want to do dishes?")
- Ask for clarification. ("I guess I didn't completely understand what you were saying, could you tell me?")
A shorter version of that is the clarification method:
- "This is what I heard. (State what you understood in your own words.) Is that what you meant"? Key part: be sincere! Don't accuse, just state it.
And, here's a third method I teach in my Interpersonal Communications class. It's called the assertive message format. I usually try to reserve it for extreme behaviors that have been discussed repeatedly. The emotional component is key in this method:
- Describe the behavior observed. ("I noticed that you were tailgating again.")
- Give your interpretation. ("Either they slowed down quickly and you didn't see it or you didn't notice my discomfort when I was using my 'passenger brake'.")
- Explain how either interpretation makes you feel. Again, be sincere! ("Really, I truly feel hurt that you don't seem to respect my fears because I thought you knew how scared that makes me and .")
- Request clarification, explain the consequences. ("Did you know how I felt? Is that what you meant to do? If it's something else, please let me know. Because to be honest, if I continue feeling scared like that, I can't interpret it any other way.")
- State your intentions. ("If it continues, I'm sorry, but I will have to find another ride.")
The fact is, folks, you cannot change another human being. All you can do is try and help them understand how you feel.
Communication is key! And remember the phrase "catch them being good"? How about giving compliments for the wonderful things they do! It's not just for children, you know. Everyone needs to feel appreciated every now and then. If you do, then when you have to use one of the methods listed, you will be heard that much more closely and your opinion will carry more weight.
Try it. I think you'll love the results!
