What makes friendship?

We all know what it looks like. They are groups of people that do the same things together. Other groups hang out together laughing and carousing. Some sets of people sit together and chat while others shop and explore. But, despite the location or activity, they arrive and depart as a pair or group. Sometimes they're groups of males, sometimes females, and sometimes they are a combination of the two. When they are young, friends giggle and laugh and share stories. This happens as they get older, too. They share events and histories and interests.

And, if you were to ask any of them who the others might be, they'd call them "friends."

But are they, really? What truly makes a friend? Is a friend someone with whom we hang out and go to movies? Or, is a true friend someone we can call when we are at our lowest point? When we are young, our friends constitute about 90% of life! But, as we get older, the nature of friendship changes. Sure, we have shopping buddies and drinking buddies. Some people have car repair buddies and others have music buddies or bonfire buddies. Sometimes, these activities overlap and you spend even more time with that particular set of people.

But, are they truly what we call "friends"? When one person changes interests, do the rest stay in touch? Do surfers still hang out with the same people at the library or the opera? Do people who really don't enjoy sports still hang out with the football crowd?

The question remains. Are they truly friends? How do we define friendship? The people we meet during enjoyable excursions and activities are friends. Sure! When the sun is shining and the fun is continuing, we have lots of people we call friends. But what happens when times get a little dark?

If we are at our lowest point, do we need to call these people we called "friends" first? Or, once they know something is up, shouldn't our truest "friends" know our pain and want to come to us? To comfort us? To help us? To assist us past that low point? I like to think a true friend would show up, despite the fact that we may want to be alone in our desolation. I think a true friend shows up with kleenex and a movie. Maybe, they'll come in with dinner and a willing ear to listen. I think a true friend would show up, with or without being invited.

True friends aren't just people who live with us in the good times. Our truest friends are those who stay with us in the darkness and help us through. They keep showing up, no matter our moods, our issues, or our snarky banter.

In my experience, I've had lots of friends that I loved dearly. As a matter of fact, I still consider them friends and always will. I still value them as people. But, when I was at my lowest point a few years back, the phone remained silent and the doorbell was left unrung.

I understood their reasoning, I really did! And, I still do. They wanted to give me space. They wanted to give me time to adjust. They wanted to let me have a moment of deliberation and recuperation. Perhaps, they were uncomfortable with the situation and didn't know how to react. But, despite it all, all but one left me alone. Actually, though that sounds fairly bitter, it isn't meant to be. I took that time and I made it work for me. When the phone finally rang, I didn't want to go anywhere. I extended invitations, but they were half-hearted. And, predictably, most "friends" had other plans. But, that one came by to check on me. That one sat on the couch with me and watched movies. That one sat, kept my glass filled, and let me rant for hours. Then, that one made me laugh, giggle, and enjoy life again. The one helped me to see that it wasn't all my responsibility and fault. That one made a difference.

Over time, I became fairly introspective and I decided that I needed to take the time and energy that I had lost in a newly failed marriage and turn it into something positive. I began to learn to enjoy my own company and appreciate solitude. My friend was there every step of the way, encouraging me even from afar. I appreciated that more than I could possibly express.

And, with my friend's help, I began to realize that when it came to my other friendships, I was the one who rather forced the issue. I was the one making the calls. I did the texting. I went to the locations I knew they frequented. I made the effort to put myself into the friendships, without asking if that was where I belonged.

When I paused in my efforts to force my inclusion, the calls stopped, the texting ended, and we began moving in different directions. We still communicate and I still call them friends. But, we don't have the same interests anymore. Did we ever?

Now, I'm at another one of those moments of epiphany. I'm discovering what I truly enjoy. I'm finding people that are part of those enjoyments. But, I still don't have anyone outside of my family that I can call in moments of stress. My good friend that got me through? Unfortunately, we had to move in different directions. I still miss my good friend, but I still have my family. So, who do I call? My Mom, God bless her! But overall, my family and I function in that capacity together. They call me to rant, to complain, to vent. And, I return the honor. We call each other to share the humorous small events that happen in a day and to bounce ideas off each other. We share the bits of our lives with the people that matter. My best friends are my family. That's where it all started, right? So, it's only right.

But, I'm beginning to acquire some new friends. And, I look forward to the exploration. I look forward to meeting new people and seeing how our thoughts and ideas mesh. I look forward to trying new adventures and revisiting old ones.

So, after all of this, what makes friendship? I think friendship looks different for everyone. Our job is to discover what is most meaningful to us, individually. For me, the truest friend is the one who makes me want to rejoin the world and leave my comfortable little nest.

So, raise a glass and make a toast. To friends!

For 2017, I resolve not to make any resolutions

Why do we choose to make life-changing resolutions only at the new year?

People say "I'm going to work out!" or "I'm going to lose weight!" I read somewhere that the new year brings more gym memberships than at any other time of the year. I also read that they tend to fizzle out before January ends. Some may actually make it through February or March, but it's a rare person that makes it all year through.

People say they will quit smoking, then pick it again up by February. Others claim that they will eat only healthy foods, but you know they've picked up Taco Bell, Whataburger, or McDonald's by the end of the month. Or, despite the choice not to eat desserts, that pint of ice cream calls to them from the dairy section. I mean, really, who can resist the siren wail of Rocky Road or Cookie Dough Ice Cream for long? And, that choice not to drink as much tends to die by the end of the evening.

Why make resolutions only on New Year's Eve? Really, shouldn't we resolve to be better people year-round? Every single day? We have witnesses to our existence everywhere around us: our children, our friends, our families. In teacher education, we learn that we are models for our students 24/7, no matter what. It's the same with our friends and family. Who was it that said "Be the change you want to see in the world?" Some say Ghandi, others say he definitely didn't say it. All I know is that I like it. For me, it's true. Think about this. If you wake up in a negative mood, you tend to be negative all day and see all the negative in the world. When you wake up in a positive mood, you tend to see the good.

So, I resolve not to make a resolution.

Instead, I'm going to continue as I am. Daily, I try to be a better person than I was the day before. I began a process a few years ago and I'm still on that path. Not because it was New Year's Eve, but because I recognized a personal need for change. I wasn't happy with who I was at the time.

Don't get me wrong, I wasn't evil and I wasn't a bad person. But, I was not happy. I wasn't satisfied with my weight, my outlook, my relationships, my job, or my life in general.

So, I started small. I started with small changes that ended up being huge in their simplicity.

Daily, I try to eat right and do what I need to stay healthy. So now, I walk regularly and I feel better. I take my Plexus and my allergies have decreased. I switched to an ecig versus smoking a pack a day and I can sing again. Have I lost the weight? No, I haven't. But now I recognize the value in my shape. I recognize that my body is right where it wants to be and I'm finally okay with that.

Daily, I try to show my family that I love and appreciate them. We've always had good relationships, but I think they actually know how I feel about them. Our relationships are better than ever!

Daily, I do my best to work hard and do my job competently and efficiently. I enjoy my classes and I like to think my students enjoy them, too. I feel like I'm doing a good job and I like the way my work feels in my gut. It feels right.

Daily, I do my best to treat everyone around me with respect, compassion, and care. Yes, even those people who push their way into the grocery store or cut me off while driving. I don't know their stories. And, we all have stories. Are they in a hurry for a particular reason? I don't know, so I will give them the benefit of the doubt, smile, and wave them on. It may make absolutely no difference for them, but it makes me happier. That's all I can do, so I'll do it.

Daily, I make an effort to find the joy and happiness in the small things. I watch the birds play in the tree in the front yard. (This morning, it was sparrows.) I enjoy the beauty of flowers. I look at pieces around my house and enjoy the memory of the giver or the moment I found it. I enjoy my coffee. It's the little things that make up a big life.

I don't always succeed, but I always try. I'm not going to choose to make that effort only at the beginning of the year. The new year is only a marker that indicates the passage of time, it's not a starting flag for a race. It's certainly not a starter pistol telling the world to start making changes now.

I choose to live my life knowing that my life has value. Even if the value is only within myself, I choose to enjoy it.

So, Happy New Year's! Enjoy the passage of time and celebrate your opportunity to enjoy it. But don't make life changes merely because of the passage of time. Make changes because you choose to enjoy the time available to you.