I'm a Fraud

So now, you are asking yourself "What did she lie about?" or "What did she do wrong?"

I didn't and I haven't. I live an honest and truthful life, as much as I possibly can.

But, I'm still a fraud. Why? Because I'm not who everyone seems to think I am.

I go through the motions of life and I hear wonderful compliments from friends and family. These compliments are truly sweet and really make a girl feel good. Sometimes these compliments include such wonderful things as "you're so self-confident!" or "you really know what you want in life!" But inside, I know I'm not. And inside, I know I don't.

I also hear wonderful things about my life being "interesting" and "full of adventure." But, again, it's not. People making these compliments only see me through the virtual world of Facebook or Instagram or Twitter. They don't see my day-to-day existence. They don't see the struggle of a combined introvert/extrovert. They don't see me struggle in conversation when I don't feel comfortable. Shoot, they never even see me feel uncomfortable! In real life, I work very hard to appear comfortable in all situations and locations. And online? All they can see are my posts. And, I only post the fun tidbits or the interesting events. I do a good job managing my online identity.

In the Communications field, we have two concepts about "identity." One is the "perceived self." This is how we see ourselves. This is our own interpretations of the people we are in reality. The other is the "projecting self." This is the identity we try to project to the world as a whole. This is the world's interpretation of us, influenced by our behavior and actions. These two identities don't always match up. What we project to the world is not always accurate. What we project to the world is the manner in which we want to be seen.

But, the world doesn't see me the way I see me. This is true of most people, by the way. We all manage our identities in different way. So, the end result is that the world doesn't see me questioning myself and doubting motives or actions. And yes, I have many doubts. Most people do, right? When you become an adult, you can only depend 100% on your own self and your decisions. If you were to ask around, you would likely discover that we all have similar doubts. For example: "Have I made the right decisions about my job? Have I made the right choices with my children, my parents, my life? What about my love life?" In my case, my question is "What about being single? Am I making the right decision by choosing not to actively date and try to find 'the one'?" We all have doubts and concerns. But, only we see them and experience them daily. Only we feel the effects.

The world doesn't see me hoping, on some nights, for that phone call from a friend asking me to meet for coffee, dinner, or drinks. On other nights, I'm dreading that phone call from a friend asking me to meet for coffee, dinner, or drinks. Yes, I could be viewed as wishy-washy or indecisive.

That's the life of an introverted extrovert. Or, is it an extroverted introvert? I just know that I'm both, depending on the day and my mood.

I want to be around people, but I'm uncomfortable about half the time because I feel less funny, less intelligent, less pretty, less witty, less everything, than those around me. When I'm out? I enjoy myself for a while, then I usually end up wishing I was hiding in my room at home, watching my tv, playing on the computer, and/or reading a book. When I'm home? I wish I were out, mingling with friends and experiencing that enigmatic little concept of leading a full life.

So. Here's the truth. This is who I really am, when we remove the veil of cyber life. This is me.

I spend the majority of my life in my bedroom. True, it's also my home office and I really do have quite a bit of work to do. But, I can easily stay in my little comfort zone for days without interacting with actual people, other than talking on the phone or texting with my daughters or my parents. Sure, I chat online and have interesting virtual conversations, but I never have to leave the comfort of my little cottage. I safely hide behind a keyboard to conduct quite a bit of my social life.

On days that I'm not teaching (and I usually only teach 3 days a week), I commonly make myself shower and dress around 2 or 3 in the afternoon, just in case.

I get dressed just in case I get that phone call, just in case I decide to run to the store, just in case someone drops by to visit, just in case . . . anything happens. Things rarely happen.

I could wear the same clothes four or five days in a row and no one would ever know.

So there's the truth. This is who I really am on a daily basis.

I manage to take some trips with my camper on the occasional weekend, during some school breaks, and over the summer. But even then, my camper is set up just for me. I could easily live the same life in my camper that I live in my house.

I do need to clarify one concept here, though. Despite the basic solitary nature of my life, I am happy! I'm very content living my life. Maybe that contentedness is the cause of my discomfort when I finally go out? Sure, I sometimes wish that I had more friends and more opportunities for excursions and explorations and revelries. But, most of the time, I'm very happy.

So. There you go. That's the life of the introverted extrovert. Or vice versa. It doesn't really matter which way it goes, but that's who I am in real life.

No, I'm not quite as exciting or interesting as some people believe. But, that's ok! I have a good life. And, I think I plan to continue this style of life as long as I possibly can.