What makes friendship?

We all know what it looks like. They are groups of people that do the same things together. Other groups hang out together laughing and carousing. Some sets of people sit together and chat while others shop and explore. But, despite the location or activity, they arrive and depart as a pair or group. Sometimes they're groups of males, sometimes females, and sometimes they are a combination of the two. When they are young, friends giggle and laugh and share stories. This happens as they get older, too. They share events and histories and interests.

And, if you were to ask any of them who the others might be, they'd call them "friends."

But are they, really? What truly makes a friend? Is a friend someone with whom we hang out and go to movies? Or, is a true friend someone we can call when we are at our lowest point? When we are young, our friends constitute about 90% of life! But, as we get older, the nature of friendship changes. Sure, we have shopping buddies and drinking buddies. Some people have car repair buddies and others have music buddies or bonfire buddies. Sometimes, these activities overlap and you spend even more time with that particular set of people.

But, are they truly what we call "friends"? When one person changes interests, do the rest stay in touch? Do surfers still hang out with the same people at the library or the opera? Do people who really don't enjoy sports still hang out with the football crowd?

The question remains. Are they truly friends? How do we define friendship? The people we meet during enjoyable excursions and activities are friends. Sure! When the sun is shining and the fun is continuing, we have lots of people we call friends. But what happens when times get a little dark?

If we are at our lowest point, do we need to call these people we called "friends" first? Or, once they know something is up, shouldn't our truest "friends" know our pain and want to come to us? To comfort us? To help us? To assist us past that low point? I like to think a true friend would show up, despite the fact that we may want to be alone in our desolation. I think a true friend shows up with kleenex and a movie. Maybe, they'll come in with dinner and a willing ear to listen. I think a true friend would show up, with or without being invited.

True friends aren't just people who live with us in the good times. Our truest friends are those who stay with us in the darkness and help us through. They keep showing up, no matter our moods, our issues, or our snarky banter.

In my experience, I've had lots of friends that I loved dearly. As a matter of fact, I still consider them friends and always will. I still value them as people. But, when I was at my lowest point a few years back, the phone remained silent and the doorbell was left unrung.

I understood their reasoning, I really did! And, I still do. They wanted to give me space. They wanted to give me time to adjust. They wanted to let me have a moment of deliberation and recuperation. Perhaps, they were uncomfortable with the situation and didn't know how to react. But, despite it all, all but one left me alone. Actually, though that sounds fairly bitter, it isn't meant to be. I took that time and I made it work for me. When the phone finally rang, I didn't want to go anywhere. I extended invitations, but they were half-hearted. And, predictably, most "friends" had other plans. But, that one came by to check on me. That one sat on the couch with me and watched movies. That one sat, kept my glass filled, and let me rant for hours. Then, that one made me laugh, giggle, and enjoy life again. The one helped me to see that it wasn't all my responsibility and fault. That one made a difference.

Over time, I became fairly introspective and I decided that I needed to take the time and energy that I had lost in a newly failed marriage and turn it into something positive. I began to learn to enjoy my own company and appreciate solitude. My friend was there every step of the way, encouraging me even from afar. I appreciated that more than I could possibly express.

And, with my friend's help, I began to realize that when it came to my other friendships, I was the one who rather forced the issue. I was the one making the calls. I did the texting. I went to the locations I knew they frequented. I made the effort to put myself into the friendships, without asking if that was where I belonged.

When I paused in my efforts to force my inclusion, the calls stopped, the texting ended, and we began moving in different directions. We still communicate and I still call them friends. But, we don't have the same interests anymore. Did we ever?

Now, I'm at another one of those moments of epiphany. I'm discovering what I truly enjoy. I'm finding people that are part of those enjoyments. But, I still don't have anyone outside of my family that I can call in moments of stress. My good friend that got me through? Unfortunately, we had to move in different directions. I still miss my good friend, but I still have my family. So, who do I call? My Mom, God bless her! But overall, my family and I function in that capacity together. They call me to rant, to complain, to vent. And, I return the honor. We call each other to share the humorous small events that happen in a day and to bounce ideas off each other. We share the bits of our lives with the people that matter. My best friends are my family. That's where it all started, right? So, it's only right.

But, I'm beginning to acquire some new friends. And, I look forward to the exploration. I look forward to meeting new people and seeing how our thoughts and ideas mesh. I look forward to trying new adventures and revisiting old ones.

So, after all of this, what makes friendship? I think friendship looks different for everyone. Our job is to discover what is most meaningful to us, individually. For me, the truest friend is the one who makes me want to rejoin the world and leave my comfortable little nest.

So, raise a glass and make a toast. To friends!