Purely Philosophical

Sometimes, we are forced to make difficult decisions.

Occasionally, the obvious choice is the right choice. Sometimes, it's not. And it can be so hard to decide because the logical mind and the emotional heart do not always agree.

When I was much younger, I was the only person available to help my Grandmother make a difficult life or death decision. I remember the struggle she went through and the pain of her decision. I didn't blame the rest of the family for not being there, it just happened to be one of "those" occasions that no one expects or anticipates. But I was there. I saw. And I hurt for my Grandmother. And I hurt for myself. Irrevocable decisions are the absolute worst.

They are done. And they are permanent.

Every decision we make as adults affects someone else. Always. To find a new job, to buy this car rather than that car. But these decisions don't really seem huge in the immense scheme of things. It's the decision that affects the heart that can raise a person to joy, or lower them to the depths.

These decisions cannot be taken lightly.

When I was much younger, I made a decision that hurt my mother badly. What did I do? I asked to live with my father. I love them both and care for them both, but I didn't understand my mother's feelings at that time. She was probably wondering "what did I do wrong? How did I hurt her?" or even "what could I have done differently?"

I didn't understand that. I was young, 14 years old. All I thought was "I wonder how different it would be?" and "what an adventure!"

I don't regret living with my dad, not at all! It was a valuable experience that I can add to my life's repertoir. But I do regret the way I went about asking my mom. She probably felt I was abandoning her. I still feel bad about that. But, I was young. And the young can sometimes get away with things that we adults cannot.

Now? When faced with a major decision, whether it has to do with love and marriage or moving to another city (or country) or anything in-between, I can no longer just think of myself. I have two beautiful daughters, a son-in-law, a husband, a step-son, and a giant, goofy, talking dog. I also must consider my parents (both sets) and all of the other extensions to my family. I am an adult now, which means thinking of others and how my decisions may affect them.

Life can be difficult, but as they say "When God closes a door, he opens a window."

I guess, I just need to find that window.

So when can I go back to being a kid?